touched_by_seshat: (Default)
Title: Lonely Road Of Faith
Words: 1,372
Author: Mylia ([ profile] not_from_stars)
[ profile] musemuggers Prompt: #166 Option 4 -- Something From A Previous Prompt That You Didn't Finish In Time (Prompt #147 Option 3 -- Anything You Want)
Notes: Original Fic -- Unfinished; This is something I have been writing on and off since November when drowning in NaNoWriMo.

A cocoon of ice wrapped around her heart at the words he was saying. With every word he spoke, that ice spread to encase so much more of her. Simple words, but they were enough to cause her more pain than she could remember ever having felt.

"I don't know how I feel about you any more."

Her eyes burned with tears that she was trying so very hard not to shed as she stared out the window and into the night. Each word that he spoke was like a dagger to her heart and all she wanted to do was get out of the car and get into the sanctuary of her room. She wanted to fall apart, but she would be damned if she would break in front of him. Not this time. Not again. She fought back the tears and she clenched her jaw, letting the anger well up from deep within her. She turned her face to him and shouted.

He seemed relieved about her anger and the last damn thing she wanted him to feel was relief of any kind. She wanted him to hurt as much as she was hurting. She felt broken. She felt like she was bleeding inside. She hated that she felt this way. Hated that he could hurt her so deeply and so calmly. She wanted him to bleed, too. She wanted him to be struggling to breathe as the highway miles wore on. She didn't want to be the only one who felt like she was dying.

Each word spoken and each mile driven served to do nothing but leave her feeling more and more shattered inside. This was the man that she was so deeply in love with. This was the man that she was indeed completely crazy about. But he was telling her that he was no longer crazy about her like he had once been. He was telling her that not only was he not crazy about her, he didn't know how he felt about her any longer.

It was killing her. She was bleeding to death right there in front of him and he didn't even seem to notice. Or, if he did notice, he wasn't really caring about that at this point.

She was more than a little surprised that he felt this way... that he felt that the relationship between the two of them was broken. She had thought things were going well between the two of them. Things had appeared to have gotten better and everytime they were together, she was happy and had a good time. She thought he had felt the same way.

Apparently, she had been so very mistaken.

Tears were threatening to fall and she was doing her best to fight them. She didn't want to give him the small satisfaction of breaking down into tears while she was in the car with him.

"Just take me home," she ordered again. She wanted to get away from him and from the fact that he was either out the door himself or pushing her out the door.

He acted like he hadn't heard her and they continued driving.

It seemed like forever that they were on the road, and she had long since stopped demanding that he take her home as they talked and argued. However, when he pulled up to a stop sign, she seized her chance. Over-emotional and bleeding inside, she threw open her door and started running. She heard him curse and then heard him running after her. She didn't look back, she just continued running into the woods along the road.

When he finally found her, she was on her knees beneath a tree. She had her arms around the tree trunk as she sobbed. He really hated seeing her cry, but more than that, he hated knowing that he was the reason she was in so much pain. He crouched down next to her and reached out to pull her to him. He winced when she jerked away from him with such force that her head slammed into the tree.

"Don't touch me!" She managed to spit out at him between the sobs that were tearing through her. "Just leave me the hell alone."

He couldn't blame her completely for her reaction, but he still sighed and tried to use logic in this situation.

"I can't just leave you out here," he said quietly. Rational and she had taken a vacation from each other at this moment in time it seemed.

"Why not?!" she demanded. "It's not like you give a damn what happens to me."

"Damn it, I never said that!"

"No? You just said that you didn't think you loved me any longer."

"That doesn't mean I don't care about you."

"No. It just means that you don't want me any more."

"I said I didn't know how I feel... about anything."

"About me," she said angrily, shaking her head. "You said you didn't know if you loved me any longer or how you felt about me." She took a gulping breath. "Just, please, go away and leave me alone. Please, just go. I'll call... a taxi... someone. Just go."

He definitely wasn't leaving her alone right now -- especially not while she was in this mindset."Don't you think that things have gotten broken between us?" His voice was both soft and a little curious. "Haven't you felt like things were not right?"

"I thought things had gotten so much better between us in the last few months. There were not as many fights and we seemed to be happy when we were able to spend time together."

"You've spent more time in the hospital than you have in bed with me..."

It was a good thing that he had quick reflexes as he ducked the rock that she suddenly threw at his head.

"And that's my fault?! Yeah, because I asked to get so sick for a month just so I couldn't have sex with you. That makes a lot of fucking sense."

He sighed. "Come on, come back to the car or else you're going to get sick, again."

"Go to hell," she snarled at him. "You have no right to feel put out or get condescending with me, damn you. You do not get to make me feel like this and then act all put out about it."

He winced inwardly again. He couldn't fault her reaction to him right now, no matter how illogical he thought she might be being. However, he also wasn't about to just sit there and let her be self-destructive because she was riding on emotions. Not on his watch. "You're not being the most logical right now and you cannot deny that you can't handle being sick again. You're not even completely over the last time you got sick. No matter how hurt you are, no matter how upset with me you are, don't take that risk with your health. Don't be so fucking stupid or bull-headed."

She glared at him, rage in her eyes. "First you don't know how you feel about me and now I'm stupid, too?" Somewhere in the back of her head, she knew she was reacting badly, but she couldn't seem to help it. She felt broken and bleeding and she was reacting in the heat of the painful emotions.

He held his breath as he waited for her to decide what to do. He had already decided that if he couldn't get her to be logical about this aspect for her health, then he would have no problems using brute strength to get her out of the cold rain and back into the car. They were not done talking, but he wasn't about to let her get pneumonia over this. He might be an asshole, but he wasn't a fucking asshole. He knew that she might disagree quite passionately about that self-assessment right now, but as long as he could get her back to the warmth of the car, he didn't really care.

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Touched By Seshat

May 2007

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